What Fuels the Difficulty in Boundary Setting?
I’ve talked briefly about why you may have issues with boundaries in a previous post. Now let’s talk about more specifically about difficulties in setting boundaries.
If you’ve read my post about Why You Struggle with Boundaries, you already know that this is probably because the adults around you did not model good boundaries. But you may still feel at a loss as to what you should do to improve in this area.
Let’s start by looking at the 4 most common factors that hinder setting boundaries and their consequences.
1. The misconception that setting boundaries is about putting limits on others
A common misconception is that setting boundaries is about telling other people what they can or cannot to do. We may say, “You can’t do … because it bothers me,” “You have to help me with … otherwise I will be in trouble,” etc. But such communication makes the other person’s actions the focus of change, though we have no control over them.
As Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote, it is our responsibility to take action if something bothers us or if we face repercussions. Setting boundaries is about what we will do if a certain behaviour or situation continues. As for what others will do, that is their own choice and freedom.
If they continue to do what bothers us, then they will have to face consequences from our follow-up actions. If they do not or cannot help us, then we need to take actions to help ourselves.
2. The belief that setting boundaries is not nice
People-pleasing tendency is the most common fuel behind this mistake. By following through on the consequences we set for bothersome behaviours, we often fear that we’re not being nice.
I’m not speaking against being nice. But thinking that unconditionally accepting and condoning others’ behaviours is being nice is a fallacy of people-pleasing tendencies. People pleasers often see pleasing others as the precondition of relationship.
Behind this belief is the fear of not being accepted because they fail to keep others pleased. This, again, may be a result of childhood experiences. People pleasers were taught that they are accepted and rewarded relationships only if they can keep others happy all the time.
However, in the process of learning to build and keep relationships this way, self-respect and self-love becomes collateral damage. For we learn that what matters the most is what makes others happy, not what makes us happy.
This brings us to the next factor fuelling your difficulty in setting boundaries.
3. Fear of losing relationships
This is a tough one because it is a fear that is so universal, human, and legitimate that it’s unreasonable to expect anyone to do away with it. It is a common fear that if we set boundaries with our friends, family, or significant other, we will lose that relationship.
The harsh truth is: Yes, that is a real possibility. If that happens, one question to ask yourself is: Do I want to be in relationships with people whose conditions for relationship is for me to give up my boundaries, which are made of desires, values, and preferences?
If the answer is no, then you’re losing a relationship that’s unhealthy for you, anyways. If the answer is yes, then perhaps you need to take a look at why that is the case for you. Talking to a therapist or counsellor might help you gain some clarity.
The reason why you value relationships more than your own self is probably also why you fear boundary setting will cost relationships. As Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote, what often happens in healthy relationships is that boundaries improve them. This is because in healthy relationships, people care more about you as a person than what you do for them.
4. The belief that it is punitive to set consequences on others’ behaviours
This is connected with #2 on this list, the belief that it’s not nice to set boundaries. Consequences around boundaries can indeed feel punitive, because they might involve something unpleasant for the other person. But consequences are a necessary ingredient in boundary setting. Otherwise, unwanted behaviour will not change.
The right question is whether those consequences are appropriate and proportional to the boundary-crossing behaviours.
“If you continue to complain about our mutual friend in an unkind way, I will not be your friend anymore” may be too punitive because it threatens to end the entire friendship because of a specific, singular behavioural pattern. It is too threatening for the level of transgression.
This might be more appropriate: “I enjoy our friendship and time together, but if you continue to gossip about our friend, I’ll have to leave because I don’t like talking behind my friend’s back. I’m happy to continue hanging out as long as we are not doing that.”
With the knowledge of what our actions will be, now the other person needs to decide what to do about it based on what they want and value.
The next time, when the same person asks to meet up, you give them the benefit of the doubt. But if they gossip again, leave. If the other person really cares about the friendship, not just your function as a gossip dump, then you will notice their efforts to change.
• • •
Your boundaries exist to protect your integrity and identity, and only those who respect who you are deserve to have relationships with you. Painful and sad though it may be, proper boundaries do end relationships sometimes.
If that happens, seek support from those who stayed despite—better yet—because of your boundaries because they get to know and understand more of you. Allow yourself to be sad and mourn the relationships that ended because of your boundaries, and move on.
- Bill Yuan, RPQ