Why You Struggle with Boundaries

John is struggling, both in his personal and work life. But practically everyone around him thinks of him as the most amazing guy. He is nice, helpful, reliable, empathetic, and goes above and beyond for everyone. Nobody ever has anything negative to say about him, and nobody has ever seen him get angry or upset. John is never in a conflict.

He’s the kind of guy that makes you wonder, “How in the hell does he do it? How in the hell does he have all this time and energy?” He seems kind of a magician with time.

If John’s behaviour resonates with you, then you may also be struggling with setting boundaries.

What are boundaries?

In short, boundaries separate what belongs to us from what belongs to someone else. Having a clear definition of what our responsibilities are helps us focus and function better, preventing burning out or irresponsibility.

Although boundaries are used to keep out the things we don’t want in our lives, that’s not all they are for. Boundaries also sketch the outlines that define who we are. They help to define our identity to others around us, tell them what we value, our likes and dislikes, and let them know our domain of responsibility.

How are boundaries built?

In their book, Boundaries, Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend wrote that boundaries first start to form in the relationships within our family of origin. Our caretakers’ boundary-setting behaviours set the example.

This is discipline. When adults waver or are completely lacking in boundaries in their relationships with us, we learn that boundaries can be bent to our whim. Or we learn that they are unimportant.

Social behaviours must be learned in relationships. And boundaries are the most important aspect of social behaviours that keep us civilized, respectful, and caring. Our caretakers are the first to role model how relationships and boundaries should work.

There are overall two types of boundary-less behaviours.

1. Unable to respect boundaries set by others

We’ve all seen parents giving into their toddler’s wants simply because they’re throwing a tantrum in public. This teaches them that boundaries can change for them if they dislike it enough.

Boundaries can be — and should be — adjusted based on the person and the circumstance. But it should be achieved through reasoning and negotiation, after the children have shown that they can respect boundaries even if they disagree with it. And adjusting the boundaries should be a prerogative of the boundary setters.

Similarly, and worse, is the case where boundary-setting is entirely lacking, as in the case of an overindulged or coddled child.

As adults, they have a strong sense of what they want. But they have difficulty understanding and respecting others’ desires and wishes different from theirs.

2. Unable to set boundaries for yourself

In contrast to being unable to take “no” as an answer, you may find it difficult to say “no.” This is the opposite of the first type of boundary-less problem because as a child, your wishes and voices were not respected by adults.

Maybe they wouldn’t even hear you out when you said “no” to what they asked of you. Maybe they only soften the boundaries if you did something to benefit them. Maybe they make you feel responsible for their own problems, be it practical, emotional, or otherwise. Or maybe they punish you for disagreeing or “talking back.”

As adults, you may believe that your preferences or voices don’t matter, which often comes off as having no preferences. This is different from having preferences but being flexible and open to negotiation, which would be a mature and rational behaviour.

As a result, you are always working hard to make someone else happy at the cost of your own happiness and fulfillment. (John from the opening example has this issue.)

• • •

In short, if you find yourself struggling with setting boundaries, it’s probably because you were never taught the importance of boundaries. There weren’t good role models as you were growing up.

To learn more about the psychology of the biggest factors behind difficulty setting boundaries, check out the next blog post on the topic: What Fuels the Difficulty in Boundary Setting?

- Bill Yuan, RPQ